These Are The Pies That Try Men's Souls

One of my favorite aspects of the episode? What isn't in it, namely The Shelly Narrative. Despite the tricksy editing of the previews, she's barely in the ep and passes through to the next round without event. (Except: her last name is "Flash"?! That is rad.)

The whole hour looked like it might net out to "without event," with 22 home cooks remaining and me, frankly, distracted by Gordon's enormous quiff. I don't hate it; I just expected Evel Knievel to come sailing off the front of it in a Union Jack jumpsuit at some point.

Dan's savory pate-izzaola a choux prevailed in a Mystery Box that gave each MasterChef different basics and asked for a signature dish from them. After Dan selected (all on his own, no doubt!) (...hee) eight contestants for an Elimination Test winnowing, apple pies won glory for a few...and sent Brianna and Emo Phillips, Homeroom Teacher packing.

Who's delightfully crusty and who just made me a la mad? Let's hit the Ranklings.

1. Olivia
   OMG, best. Her weird "pie has a crust, Graham's always right" patter mantra during baking was just the tip of an awesome-berg that peaked with "on a scale of one to 'I hate this pie,' I hate this pie!" She adds, "I'm so angry," and tells the judges that, offered a choice of shaving her head and serving them her lumpen blob, she'd Bic it without hesitation. The Swiss-cheese-looking top, the only element admired by Christina, looks like an alien planet. (Note: the actual cheese Olivia inexplicably threw in there is goat cheese. Henh?) I thought sure they'd punt her, but though she's bottom three, she lives to wisecrack another day.
2. "Holy shit: that's so good!"
   It's not a great look in 2015 that the judges simply can't believe a competent home cook could make a tasty dish with no protein, but Graham's tickled response to Hetal's coconut curry soup is delightful.
3. Gordis Ramsley
   Maybe this is just me; I don't remember if he rocked this exclamatory a pouf last week.

   Either way, this Jersey native is entirely in favor of the evolution from gel-crunched modified Caesar. It's kinda hipster-y and he pulls it off.

4. Christopher goes through an entire miniseries of emotions in a single judging sesh
   The maple-bourbon combo sounds like a slam dunk, and is, but not before we endure an aria of uncomf set off by Gordon questioning Christopher's use of 5 Tbsp of cornstarch, and Christopher going through the 5 Stages Of Defensive, winding up with, "Just, just, just eat it." It looks way dry to me, but Gordon -- who is more amused than put off by Christopher's freakout, and handles it gently, in a way that suggests to me he sees something of himself there -- tells him to settle, and he ends up winning the Test.
5. Katrina
   Cute hairband, top-three finish in the Mystery Box, but she's one of those nailbiters you get every year: a little out of her element, a big scared, and tough to watch as a result. That schnitz looked like the shiz, though.
6. Veronica
   I just assumed it would all go, uh, pear-shaped when she spent most of the bake talking about how many gazillions of pies she's baked for her grandkids, but caramel walnut apple pie sounds great, despite a presentation that she herself nailed with "flying saucer of lumpiness."
7. Some other people, Little Drummer Boy Derrick (who looks like Derrick from The Challenge, amirite?), and Tommy's moisturizer
8. Stephen
   Mascarpone, caramel, and a blend of apples sounds good, but it's underbaked.
9. Charlie
   It looks like the Platonic cartoon pie, as Graham mentions, but Graham says the technique "is not there" while not getting specific -- which part? He's not in the bottom three, but the viewer could still learn something; why'd we see another recap of the premiere and not more of Charlie's judging?
10. Mateo and Brianna
    Emo Phillips, Homeroom Teacher gets bounced for too-thick apples and too-thin crust, which doesn't seem worse than Olivia's weird taste narrative, frankly. Brianna's does, because ginger and MINT in an apple pie sound like asking for the check to me, but her beautiful lattice work doesn't bail out the pie's runniness. Again, I like Olivia, but the panel may only have gotten it half right.
11. "Think about finishing, plating, wiping!"
    Ew, Graham. Please make that last verb a transitive next time. Thanks.
12. Another lengthy review of last week, and Tosi's joining of the judging team, after we just saw literally the same footage in the previouslies?
    I thought the DVR had skipped back to the beginning; it was exactly the same overview we'd just seen 12 minutes prior. Twenty-two people left, and you have to fill that hard?
13. Dan's Apples Of Gladiatorial Selection
    Speaking of filler. Hey, the judges don't want to taste 21 apple pies and get the diabeetus; roger that. But Dan is obligated to make a big old grade-school show of who's in the Elimination Test and who's out, and it's a time-waster that on top of that doesn't read as sincere to me, given that the chosen are mostly people we didn't get to meet last week, but with a few dramatic placeholders (Stephen, Little Drummer Boy) to make sure we keep watching. Randomize the process or skip it altogether, and show us the prep days if you're that desperate to pad the runtime.
14. "Goat cheese is such a poignant flavor..."
    Think you meant "piquant" there, Tosi. Credit for extreme diplomacy when discussing its baffling presence in Olivia's pie, but a pro chef should know the difference.