Ear No Evil

We've arrived at the mushy, bland bit of the MasterChef season. Too many home cooks left for the show to craft consistent narratives; so many dishes to look at that the episodes seem disorganized and rushed. Even the supposedly high-larious live-crab Mystery Box (and the attendant tasteless jokes) fell flat. Not for Jesse, who won and got to choose who had to cook savory corn dishes and who got stuck with sweet ones in the elimination cook...but with 19 chefs' worth of narrative to cram into 42 minutes, the editors had no choice but to tip the eventual elimination immediately.

Whose corn popped and who got creamed? The most recent MasterChef's elements, first to worst.

1. Stephen
   Still working the spec strap, to my delight.

   Asked what he thinks is in the much-made-of elimination-test box, he answers with grim certainty, "My fuckin' destiny," and has zero problem intensing at Jesse, "I want savory give it to me please." His plate is too busy and a little garbage-time,

   but Gordon enjoys the flavors and contrasting textures, as well as Stephen giving an enthusiastic play-by-play of Gordon's forkful composition. He mentions a "deep loving relationship with corn" and I think those crazy kids just might make it.

2. Tommy's accessories

   I have the Wonder Woman theme stuck in my head for some reason all of a sudden. Huh. That corn panna cotta did look like a wonder; maybe that's why.

3. Olivia
   That she required instructions on how to deal with the live crabs is not great, but at least she asked for help (credit to the show for showing that; I'm sure it happens all the time and we simply don't see it). Her wailed "okay I'm sor-reeeee" when stuffing one little pincher into the pot is classic. But.

   Olivia, Veronica, everyone else in the kitchen: put your dang hair up. Tightly.

4. Gordis Ramsley III: Now In 3-D
   It literally goes sideways for the first half hour, but then!

   Not mad at the blue-on-blue look, either.

5. Shelly
   Joins Stephen in the top with a shrimp taco and corn guac; she cleverly wedges each mini-taco into a lime half. But could the judges ease up on the "Shelly's struggled with confidence issues; behold her triumphant return" commentary? It's the fifth episode; she's gotten fairly little screentime since the premiere.
6. Claudia Kerry Katrina LLP
   Claudia does well with her sweet corn tamale (served with adorable blobs of plantain puree wearing jaunty leaf fascinators). Everyone else survives. Amanda's scarves continue to rule.
7. Charlie
   "Ain't nothin' clean about eatin' seafood." Word. I like that he's rooting for Jesse, a fellow Louisianan. His yellow corn grits get hammered by the judges as undercooked and bland, all the more because he "should know better" given his cooking background, but Gordon's "your grits give me the shits" isn't funny and most of the comments seem like theater designed to create suspense, which, because we've watched TV before, does not succeed.
8. Jesse
   Good on him for winning the MB, but while his crab-dumpling soup sounds delicious, it looks like a grease-fest:

   And what the hell kind of idiotic strategy is "let's weed out the runts"? I get wanting to beat the best (see: my Twitter grumbling last night about whether it still counts as a no-hitter if it's against the Mets, who couldn't hit a barn with a howitzer right now), but at this stage, you need to set up one of the stronger cooks to catch a toe and go down on a random challenge.

9. Justin
   Between the "other kids party; I cook" talking-head and Tosi ripping a strip off him for not responding with sufficient slavish gratitude to her note that his filling needed salt, his ouster came as zero surprise. Anyone who thought he had a shot going into the judging -- and you never know; sometimes these set-ups pay off with an in-your-face moment for the home cook -- probably got the hint with the visual.

   "Ronald McDonald hocked a loog on some tumors" is not the transporting dessert experience we've been waiting for as a nation, and I say this as someone who adores candy corn and had high hopes for Justin's project.

   Tosi overreacted, but he did get a deer-in-headlights look there. Correctly timed boot.

10. Veronica
    The only thing mealier and more underdone than her corn brulee is Tosi's stumble-mouth attempt to rip on it.
11. Tosi
    Her angry spluttering at Justin made her look worse than it did him. I feel kind of bad busting on her because I think she's learning the hard way that culinary-world stardom doesn't translate to talking about it comprehensibly and telegenically on, basically, a game show. I also just hate it generally when the judges do that "stop what you're doing during a timed challenge and show my advice the respect I demand" thing -- like, he's supposed to drop everything mid-blanch and salt the icing bag, Princess? It's not like Basti wasn't full of it, full of himself, and a more-than-occasional klutz with the "jokes," but...the devil you know, I guess.